Well, it's been nearly 48 hours since my "episode" and I thought I would share some thoughts regarding it all.
To begin with, a bit of prologue.
The "episode" in question is something called Syncope. It is the medical term for fainting, which is a brief and temporary loss of consciousness caused by a sudden, temporary decrease in blood flow to the brain. While often not serious, it can be a symptom of an underlying health condition, so it's important to seek medical advice after an episode. Symptoms before fainting can include dizziness, lightheadedness, nausea, or blurry vision.
It all started on Thanksgiving Eve when Amanda and I were called out to take our niece to the ER for reasons I won't go into here. Needless to say, we didn't get home until 3:30am. I was up at 7am to begin cooking the turkey and other assorted things. That was followed by a brisk gathering of family, followed by a family argument amongst grandsons, which was very stressful for me. By 11:30pm that night, I was finally able to relax and finish up some computer work and turned to watch a live-streaming video of Norwegian Train Camera Views. The next thing I know, I'm realizing that I am on the floor, staring up at strangers legs and hearing them questioning me. "Am I alright?" How do I feel?" ect... It took me a while to regain my senses and I do recall my grandson asking me who the president was, to which I replied; "An idiot!". That got a good laugh and I recall the EMT attending me saying that I seem to be coming out of it quite well.
According to my wife Amanda, she heard a thump from her spot in the bedroom and walked in to find me lying on the living room floor, awake but unresponsive. I recall none of that. Apparently, I was in this state for 15-18 minutes before EMT's arrived at our home. The one thing I do recall after EMT's loaded me up on a gurney and were preparing to take me to Union Hospital was looking into Amanda's eyes and seeing fear. Not the normal kind of fear from say, spiders or lightning or something like that. No, this was the kind of fear that is spawned from witnessing mortality and the realization that she might lose me. The vision of her fear haunts me now and I feel a measure of guilt for putting her though that pain. We have been together 42 years now and I would give up my soul if it meant sparing her any pain from my passing.
The doctors at Union Hospital were both compassionate and thorough in their attempts to diagnose what happened and I applaud them for their efforts, Despite their best efforts though, they couldn't definitively diagnose my "episode". Of course, I had taken in very little hydration throughout the day and that, combined with the underlying stress of the day was probably what caused the "episode", according to the doctors. Their only concern was that the "episode" lasted 15-18 minutes, rather than a few seconds. They were unable to identify any underlying causes, so it was apparently a one-off event and I should be just fine.
Unfortunately, I missed going to my 302nd concert; Bela Fleck and the Flecktones in Nashville, Indiana. A real bummer as I was looking forward to seeing a group whose music I truly enjoyed.
As I mentioned earlier, seeing the fear in Amanda's eyes is the thing that will stick with me for the remainder of my life. It's important to know that she is my reason for living. When we met, it was Love at first sight... for both of us. Since then, we have spent a lifetime together as a team. It's us against the world and I would have it no other way. But seeing that fear in her eyes is something I can never forgive myself for putting her though.
Of course, there were many well-wishers on Facebook as Amanda had put out the call for prayers, which is kinda odd for me since I'm a Druid, like my father before me. Nonetheless, I appreciate the sentiments and I did receive a number of visitors while I was in the hospital (18 hours), for which I am very grateful.
It's an odd thing cheating Death as I have. In fact, I've done so 4 times now. The first was in 1979 in a motorcycle accident. The second was in 1985 while working for the Terre Haute street department. The third was in 1987 when I fell out of a tree and broke my neck. And now this time, although this one feels different as it wasn't an issue of mechanics, stupidity or pure blind luck. This time was more personal, owing to the fact that it was a breakdown of my own body. Apparently, I'm getting old.
It was Russell Crowe as Maximus Decimus Meridius in the 2000 movie, Gladiator who stated: "Death smiles at us all. All a man can do is smile back." When I blacked out, it was as if a switch had been thrown, so to speak. No warning, no signs of impending doom, nothing to indicate what was coming. When my my time comes, and it will, as it does for all of us, and this is the way Death takes me, I can't complain. It was a peaceful, if somewhat disturbing experience. My biggest fear is that I'll go like my father, grandfather and my best friend, Jim Bickle. All had cancer and died in suffering and pain.
I was pleased to note that during all of this, I retained my sense of humor. I credit my father for this when he introduced me to the writings of Mark Twain. It was Mark Twain who wrote the following: "The human condition in all its misery has but one truly effective weapon... laughter. Against the onslaught of laughter, nothing can stand." That has been the driving force behind my Philosophy of Life and being confronted by the possibility of Death and still able to make others laugh gives me hope for a brighter future.
Karma has also rewarded my survival with an opportunity to continue my Science career as I found out today that I will be a primary contributor on a research paper involving comparative analysis of cometary emissions from three comets; 3I/ATLAS, C/2025 A6 (Lemmon) and C/2025 R2 (SWAN). Gene Shoemaker would have been so pleased.
In summation, I am still alive and grateful to be so. Being 65 years old now, I find that thoughts of my impending Death come a bit more frequently now. Still though, I treasure Life and all it has to offer. Especially being able to have Amanda by my side. When I needed her most, she was there for me. Always has been, even when most mates would have bailed. She has not. I am blessed beyond words by her presence in my Life.
In the immortal words of the Wizard of Oz; "Per ardua ad alta!!!"
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